It’s been a while since I last blogged. Depression punched me in the face and other than running my page on Facebook, I have been on the couch. This time of year is very trying for me. It will be two years that my Daddy passed away in May. I had a dream about him and it set me up for failure. He’s come to my dreams three times since he passed away. Out of those three dreams, he has only acknowledged me once. I beg him to come and let me know that he is ok. The last two dreams I was chasing him and he wouldn’t stop for me. I hope he’s not trapped between here and there.
I woke up this morning with a whole new attitude and presence. Mania is here and I couldn’t be more thankful. I showered this morning, got laundry done and it feels good! Maybe if I wouldn’t go on strike with my meds, I could be this motivated every single day. I admit, I enjoy my downers because I’m not so keyed up but they make me lazy. Yes, I am a certified pot head. I would rather smoke a bowl than take a handful of pills at a time. My doctor knows I smoke and toke, but of course he says with the medications I am on that I can’t be doing that. Surprisingly I’m not listening ( sarcasm ) and I’m not giving up my pot.
Being bipolar, I have random pain that makes no since. My doctor thinks, well knows that I always underestimate the power of my medicines. He has compromised and gives me Tylenol # 3 just to keep my mouth shut. He’s very reluctant with the Xanax because I was totally addicted to it for two and a half years. I’ve done good with it, but the temptation will always be there and I have days where I take more than I’m supposed to. My excuse is that I deserve it. Some days, life is a complete hell and I NEED it. I don’t wait for a huge panic attack. I know to take it right before the kids get home from school because it is complete madness with homework and they are kids…. they are hyper! I pop one when I think about my brother and how the rest of his life will be spent in prison, possibly federal prison. I pop one when I think about my Daddy. It’s not an emergency type drug for me. It is planned and calculated. If there is one medication that I never go on strike with, it’s my Xanax. I’m not proud of the fact that I will always love pain pills and downers. Once a junkie, always a junkie because the temptation always lies within us. Especially when the going gets tough. I do not recommend that any others get on this path. It’s a daily battle that I often lose. I know for a fact that it doesn’t help my mental illness but it helps me get through the day. Again, I am not proud of it and my Daddy would kick my ass but none of us are perfect.
My goal is to one day not self medicate. I only drink every now and then these days. It’s just not worth the hangover for me. Alcohol is a weakness on both sides of my family. Most are completely functional alcoholics and others are slowly dying. I hoped that when my father was diagnosed with liver cancer because of drinking that they would see the light. Unfortunately it has made some worse since losing him. My weakness is Crown Royal but the AIDS ( Alcohol Induced Diarrhea Shits ) sucks!!
I know that deep down I am strong enough to overcome my bad habits, it’s just so deep that I can’t muster up the courage to even try, not today anyway. Blogging is honestly my only outlet. I don’t talk to my husband about my ups and downs. No doubt about it, he recognizes them and has adjusted. My goal when I started this blog was to write once a week. Maybe I need a sticky note on the bathroom mirror that says blog, think, reflect and understand yourself today.