My Only Silence is Sleeping

The only true silence for me is when I am asleep. What is silence when you can’t sleep? I can’t imagine a solemn silence. My brain has so many damn tabs open at once that I can’t keep up right now. My house is disgusting and I have so much energy but I am so drained. I’m being pulled from every direction, here and far, I can’t find the strength to clean my house today. It’s bad, for the way I like to keep my house. It represents all the ugly, screaming, exhausting, exhilarating, fucking loud thoughts that just so happen to scream at the same time. I can’t get my thoughts together, how the hell am I supposed get my house together? The beginning of the down may be here. I need sleep, I really hope it’s just that I haven’t slept in over 26 hours. I really hope my sleep schedule isn’t throwing me into a spiral downward. I really hope a nap will help. I really hope that I can find it within myself to show patience and lots of love to my children when they get home from school today, and not take out my anxieties on them. I really hope!! It’s all we really have is hope, not silence. There is no silence for me, there is always at least a whisper, unless I am sleeping.

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