A Rapid Cycling Rollercoaster

I want off of this crazy rollercoaster ride or do I?  The nausea and anxiety is enough to drive the “normal” crazy. Most would welcome the butterflies in their stomach but I fear them. I’m cycling again and it is not only mentally exhausting but it has a huge affect on me physically. Just 3 days ago I was so happy to be out of my funk. I was functioning, taking care of myself, the house, socializing outside of my home and even venturing out in public. Yesterday, the fall began and I was in bed most of the day other than to get my kids to school. At least I am getting them to school, I can’t say I was doing that at all last year and the year before.

After my Dad passed away almost three years ago, I felt like I had no purpose. I had poured my entire life into taking care of him and my friends and family were worried. They knew I was going too far and knew that once he was gone, I would just be a waste of space in my mind. I couldn’t function at home but would go 36 hours without sleep just to make sure my father was comfortable. I was manic for 3 months straight. I loved it and I hated it but at least I wasn’t cycling every few days or hours or minutes. I was on one side of the spectrum, not being pulled in every direction possible by my mind.

I know that my meds keep me so called “stable” but they also contribute to the drastic ups and downs. Stables are for horses and I know nothing of it.  I take Adderall every morning for my ADD and it gets me up and functional. I take Lamictal to stabilize my mood. I cannot complain much about the Lamictal other than it makes me forget everything. It sure beats the Seroquel that kept me in a constant fog. I take Zoloft for the depression and Abilify to aid the Zoloft. Then there is the Xanax for the panic attacks that literally bring me to my knees. Finally the Resperdal to help me sleep. Not only is my mind on a constant rollercoaster but the meds themselves are uppers and downers. I feel like I’m speed balling some days. The crazy part about this combination of meds is that I am honestly doing the best I have done in over 10 years. I’m still all over the place and still have my days of complete hysteria and days of complete desperation but I’m not spending thousands of dollars that I don’t have. I’m not sleeping around or making irrational decisions with no thought of the consequences that my choices will bring.

Some days it is very hard to accept that I will always be a rapid cycling hot mess. That alone can throw me into the spiral staircase that is never ending and on a disaster course. I have researched and researched to keep myself educated about my life time, invisible illness. I am capable of knowing when to tweak my meds and when to get extra rest, I just don’t. Then the guilt kicks in because I definitely know what I’m doing to myself. I am my worst enemy and my number one advocate at the same time. Everything around me is spinning and some days I spin with it and other days I am at a stand still trying to understand the chaos around me. My mind is constantly at war and I know it’s up to me to fight the good fight. Medication alone will not fight this ugly beast. I have to be willing to stand up to it and fight like hell. I live one day at a time, some days one hour at a time. I tell myself all of the time that one day I will LIVE, not just survive.